Rich is back home today after having been at work for three days straight. So I had three days to do things on my own around here, and if I do say so myself, I did pretty good. I managed to catch up on all the laundry, and I managed to……. well, I guess looking back, the laundry is pretty much all I accomplished. But I’m taking that as a major.
A strange feeling is going on with me. At times I will feel like I’m back to normal around here. I laugh, I smile, I run kids around to their various activities, I do laundry, I change diapers and wipe butts and all that goes with having little ones. And then I suddenly remember that I just lost a baby less than a week ago…and I’m hit by this terrible guilt that I’m not crying, not curled up in a ball somewhere up in my room. I feel like I’m not honoring the baby or that maybe I didn’t really love that baby, afterall…or maybe I wasn’t attached to him or her like I thought I was. Because if I did, wouldn’t I be grieving all the time? How could I laugh and smile? How can I go back to doing laundry as if this terrible loss didn’t occur?
But what I’m beginning to realize is that I am grieving. Grieving doesn’t just happen all at once. I wish it worked that way, but it doesn’t. I wish that you could go through all your grief, in say, ONE DAY….and then be back to normal. Wouldn’t that be nice? But it’s not like that. It’s a process, and it can be a long process for some. I have no idea how it’s going to be with me. But to grieve is important. You can’t keep too busy that you don’t take time to grieve. A lot of people will throw themselves into their work, keep themselves so busy so as to distract their mind. But what I’m reading (yes, I’m reading – no surprise there!) is that grief will eventually catch up to you. There’s really no hiding from it. If you put it off, then it just hits you later on in life, in other ways.
As busy as I am with all these kids, I do worry that I won’t be able to grieve properly. I worry that I will push the sadness away in order to function. Or avoid the tears so that the kids won’t see me cry. (let’s all be honest: who out there likes for their children to see them crying? I know I don’t. ) But I need to remember to grieve. Doesn’t that sound crazy? To remember to grieve? As if grief doesn’t take care of that by itself? Well, in my case…I need to do that. I am not taking the pain meds anymore (they kept me from feeling sad, and as tempting as they are, I know it’s not healthy emotionally or even physically to be on them just for that) and so I have been feeling the sadness more now. Which is a good thing. I just have to learn not to fight it. I just have to remember not to push it away when it comes. I guess I need to learn to go in a closet and hide if I don’t want the kids to see. Or I need to peel more onions.