I miss my little one. I miss going to bed at night with my hand resting on my budding belly. I miss the plans I had for this little one. I miss the dreams and the visions that I had of him or her joining our family. The ache is incredible. I never knew that this is how mothers felt when they miscarried. How would I ever have known that, without having experienced it myself? Now I know. I feel like I’ve joined a club, a club that I never wanted any part of. But, nonetheless, here I am. I’ll always be a member now.
I’m having trouble sleeping. It started about 7 days ago. I have never, ever, ever been one to have trouble falling alseep, or staying asleep for that matter. Sleep has always been my friend. But lately? Lately I am up until 3:00 sometimes 4:00 in the morning. My mind is just too busy. When I try to rest, my thoughts immediately go to the baby. Then those thoughts keep my mind busy and prevent me from falling asleep.
Who was that little one?
What would he have looked like?
Who would she have been?
What day would he have been born on?
Would she really have been born on Christmas?
How neat that would have been!
Why did this happen?
What went wrong?
Did I not eat well enough?
Was my red blood count too low?
Was my progesterone count not right?
Did he feel any pain?
Did she know me at all?
What would our lives have been like if he had lived?
When will I stop crying?
How can I cry for someone who I have never met?
Was the baby a boy?
Or a girl?
So eventually I get out of bed. I read. I watch t.v. late at night. I clean. I do laundry. Then I try to sleep again. And the whole thing starts over.
I just want sleeping pills to knock me out. But I don’t do that, because that’s not good. They say they are addicting. I don’t want that. I can’t risk that.
The fact is that I’m sad. There is no cure for being sad. Not this kind of sad, anyway. You just have to go through it. You just have to endure it until it just becomes a part of you. Once it becomes a part of you, then you can put it to the back of your mind more easily. See, right now….I’m still fighting it. I’m fighting it becoming a part of me. Which explains all the questions running through my mind. I want to find a reason, some logic as to why my baby died. It’s all part of the process. Once my mind accepts that there is no cure for this, that there is no answer that will take the sadness away… I bet then I will be able to sleep better. Because my mind will have surrendered. It will have become exhausted, trying to find the answers. When there are none.
It kinda reminds me of that movie from many years ago — War Games. Who out there remembers that movie? It starred a very young Ferris Bueler — er, I mean Matthew Broderick. The computer in the movie thought it was participating in a real war, and it would not stop playing. Finally, Matther Broderick challenged the computer to play itself in Tic-Tac-Toe in order to learn how to lose. It played over and over and over, faster and faster and faster and it kept ending in a tie game…until, it finally stopped and gave up, realizing there was no answer. I know that’s a strange analogy to what I’m going through. But that is what my mind and my thoughts are reminding me of lately. I just keep playing those questions over and over in my mind, day after day. I know that one day, I don’t exactly know when, but one day my mind will finally just realize that there is no answer to what happened. I guess that’s called acceptance? And maybe then I will be able to sleep. I don’t know. It’s just my theory. Because right now, no matter how hard I try, my mind just won’t stop playing.