recovered thoughts

Today I was clearing out my blog files and deleting the posts that were saved as drafts.  Many of them were duplicate posts, a few were posts that I decided not to publish…and then I found the one below.  I wrote this the day I tested positive with my last pregnancy  (which was lost earlier this month at 10 weeks)  I wrote it thinking that I’d publish it soon; just waiting for some time to pass to be sure everything was okay with the pregnancy.  Then  as the weeks went on, I suppose I forgot about it. And here it sat all this time…in my draft file. 


It was interesting to read back on what I was feeling that day, so I thought I’d go ahead and publish this post.  Since that little one was with me for such a short amount of time, I want to document anything and everything that “belongs” to it.  Even my thoughts.

January 27, 2011
      This is the first time that I have ever had a positive pregnancy test and not immediately smiled upon reading the test result.  This time I saw the result, and I was instantly anxious.  I put my head in my hands and said out loud, “Please don’t let me lose this one.”    I wish I could have looked in the mirror, like all the other times, and smiled at myself and said, “You’re a new mommy!”  but this time around, it was just different.   I feel afraid.  I don’t trust my body like I used to.  My body somehow failed the last baby, and I just don’t trust it anymore.  I know that’s an awfully negative way to view things, but I can’t help it.  Some might say that my body did not fail me, that it knew what to do when “something wasn’t right” — but that’s a hard pill to swallow.  I wanted that child no matter if “something wasn’t right”.

     I want this one, too.  So I’m afraid to be happy, to be excited.  It’s like I’m guarding myself so that if I lose this one, too, it won’t hurt as much.  But somehow I doubt it works like that.  I think no matter what my mind tries to do, my heart will take over.  And it will hurt just as much.  You can’t trick the heart.
     Rich called later today (he’s been at work the past few days and so we are limited to just phonecalls as our time together)  and we were making small talk about this and that, what the kids were up to, how his day was going, etc.  Then he asked about Afton’s driving permit test, and I told him that yes, she passed.  She was now able to drive a car.
     “Wow,”  he said. “I just can’t believe that.  Little Afton is driving already.  It makes me feel old.”  He laughed a little.
Then I said, “Yea…well,  if that makes you feel old, then let me tell you something that will really make you feel old — I tested positive today.”
Silence.
“What?”
“Yep.”
“Are you serious?”  I could hear that he had a huge grin on his face.
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s awesome!”
“Really?”
“What do you mean, really…of course!  This is awesome!  This just made my day! Can I tell people yet?”
     Typical Rich…wanting to shout to the world right away.  He is always so proud and so excited whenever we are expecting.  Hearing his excitement made me feel good.
     I went on to tell him that I was having mixed feelings, that I was nervous and doubtful and afraid to be happy about it.  And he told me that was completely understandable for me to feel that way, and for me not to beat myself up about my feelings.   They are normal feelings to have.  
     So I went about my day and I told no one our news except my midwife.  I made an appointment with her for next week.  I’ll have some blood work done.  I want my progesterone levels checked.  With my age, I might have low progesterone.  If so, I will go on a natural progesterone creme.  
     I’m feeling a bit crampy, actually.  My lower back.  I don’t know if this pregnancy will “take” or not, but the fact is…I AM pregnant, there’s a little person growing inside of me, and whether I carry this baby full term or not doesn’t change the fact that this child exists.  I get so excited when I think about it that way.  I’m a new mommy again!  A new soul has been assigned to our family, and I am it’s mother.  Always.  No matter what happens.
     If all goes well, this little one will join our family in the first week of October!

Reading this post produces mixed emotions in me.  Especially in reading the last paragraph…where a little of my excitement showed through.  I was so reserved and guarded with this pregnancy, and rarely did I let myself get excited.  And I’ve been feeling a little bit of guilt about that.  But in this post, some excitement reveals itself.  And that makes me feel good, in a way — to know that I did celebrate this little one in my heart, after all.    And yet, it makes me feel sad, too.  Sad because it never came to be.  Another little one who I will never hold.  And this one was due just days before Alex’s birthday.  Oh, he would have loved that!  He’s such a good big brother, and I just know he would have loved to have shared a birthday month with a new sibling.  


I’m so glad that I found this post.  It’s a memory, you know?  Just something to document that little one’s existence in this world.  For 10 weeks that little soul was here.  He or she was real.  Sometimes I need little things like the words in this post to give evidence to that.  

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Comments

  1. says

    It is tough. You just have to remember them and cherish those feelings you had about them when they are no longer with you. I know. I lost one when she was 16. No matter what stage of life they are, they have an impact.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. says

    I’m so sorry! It’s so hard to lose a baby. Thanks for posting and sharing.

    And thanks so much for visiting and following! I’m following back. :)

  3. says

    Nice to meet you. I am so so sorry.
    I know it is a loss regardless of how many kids a person has.
    I am sorry I don’t know you well enough to say anything besides – sorry.

  4. says

    and as a complete side note….I’ve been rocking out to your playlist for about 20 minutes until I figured out I hadn’t turned on any music and had to figure out where the heck it was coming from LOL!!!

  5. says

    Thanks so much for your post. I also lost a baby, at nine weeks. I’ve sometime felt guilty for wanting so badly to hold on to the memory of that baby, to recognize it along with my other children. Like I didn’t have the right to claim it as my own or to mourn what might have been.

  6. says

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and following! This is such a beautiful post. I know how difficult it is to lose a baby (I lost one at 10 weeks also). You are in my prayers! I admire your strength!

  7. says

    I’m so sorry about the baby, Katrina. I am glad you were able to write about it the day you found out you were pregnant, what precious thoughts and memories to have recorded. You’ll see both those children again someday! Blessings my friend, Megan

  8. says

    Aw, I teared up as I so understand your post. I lost 3 babies, 2 to early miscarriage and one beautiful baby boy in the 5th month of pregnancy which we named Gabriel. I still think of what might have been.

    Thank you for stopping by my blog to say hello. :)
    ~Wendy

  9. says

    Hi Katrina

    I stopped by your blog to thank you for sharing your thoughts on blog hops and came across this post I am SO very sorry for your loss. Your post was very moving and I’m glad you shared it, even though I’m sure it was difficult.

    I wanted to share a post with you that I wrote several months ago:

    http://www.create-with-joy.com/2010/10/songs-of-worship-4-desert-song.html

    At the end of this post are two videos. The second video contains the amazing testimony of a songwriter who lost the child she was carrying as well. I hope it will bless you and anyone else who is grieving the loss of an unborn child.

    Following you back…
    Ramona

    http://create-with-joy.com

  10. says

    Thank you for sharing this…my best friend just lost a child and reading your very honest and real thoughts helped give me insight into what she may be experiencing.

    Am a new follower.

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