They All Call Me Mom

sibling squabbles

Anonymous said…      Great post!! I grew up in a large family and I totally agree with your perspective on this.   I have a question of my own for you should you care to answer it in one of your fabulous Q & A posts: sibling rivalry/fighting/arguing/bickering/whatever you want to call it–with so many kids in the house and such a wide range of ages, how do you deal with it?   I love your blog!!   October 29, 2011 3:22 PM 

I feel like I am always striving for three things in this house:  1) organization, 2) getting out of the house on time (which goes right along with organization!)  and 3) peace in the home!  

 
My kids fight.  They bicker.  They tease.  I don’t have a mellow, peace-loving one in the bunch.  They all seem to have strong personalities, from what I can tell so far. They fight over space  “I was sitting there!”  and they fight over food  “Hey…that was my cookie!”  and they fight over just about any other random thing  “Stop looking at me!” 

 

couch space ~ it’s a major around here
 
Honestly, the bickering doesn’t bother me all that much. I’m almost too laid back when it comes to this stuff.   I’m just here to remind them to be nice throughout the day.

 

SISTER:  Mom! Andrew just took my cookie!
ME:  Andrew, that’s not nice. Give her back her cookie.
ANDREW:  But I already ate it.
ME:  You ate it?  Well, that wasn’t nice, now was it?
SISTER:  Mom!  He already ATE it!  I’m going to kill him!
ME:  No, don’t kill him over a cookie. That wouldn’t be nice.  Andrew, say you’re sorry.
ANDREW:   Sorry.
SISTER:  Mom, he SO isn’t sorry!
ME:  Andrew, are you sorry you ate your sister’s cookie?
ANDREW:  Yes.
SISTER: No, he’s not!  Mom, punish him!
ME:  Okay.
SISTER:  Punish him NOW!
ME:  Okay, okay.  (turning on the mean-mom voice) Andrew!!!
ANDREW:  What?
ME:    You have to make it up to your sister, you know, for eating her cookie.
ANDREW:  Like how?
ME:  Ask her how you can make it up to her.  Ask nicely.
ANDREW:  (smiling) How can I make it up to you?  
SISTER:  (thinking)  Okay, I know.  Give me ten pieces of your Halloween candy.
ANDREW:  (not smiling anymore)  Ten!  That’s not fair! Mom, do I have to?
ME:  Yes! That would be a nice way to make it up to her.  Next time don’t take things that don’t belong to you.

Okay, that’s just an example of how laid back I am.  I swear, if the other kids weren’t on top of me as far as dishing out the punishments go, I’d simply say, “That’s not nice!” to just about everything and call it a day.   What can I say?  I’m a mellow personality.  Always have been.
If one kid wrongs another and there’s no way to make them undo it or give it back, then they “make it up” to them.  You know, a little restitution. And usually the wronged kid is the one who decides how it should be done.  This can be cleaning up their room for them, making their bed, doing their chore, giving them money, etc. I’m there to say if it’s fair or not, but for the most part they handle it on their own.

Sure they fight, but deep down they really love each other!

 

I separate the kids if the bickering gets out of hand. But most of the time I just say, “Okay, that’s enough of that.  Knock it off.”  and they eventually do. And I say “eventually” because it usually takes me a few times of saying this to get them to stop. I’d say on average I have to say it about three times, and the third time saying it I raise my voice.  A little.  Okay, I’ll be honest:  I yell.  No, I’m not proud of that.  But that’s how it has to be. My fault.  I’ve trained them that way.   But guess what? Their father only has to say it once! Just one time, and it’s a done deal. Drives me crazy that they respond to him quicker than they respond to me! But I guess that’s because they know  I’m “nice” where as Dad is quite the opposite!  Quite the opposite!  ME:  nice.   DAD: not so nice. strong voice = serious = not to be messed with. ~  I like it!  They always mind so much better when Dad’s In The House.  Sometimes I just sit back and let him go to it. The kids look over at me as if to say, “help us!” and I smile and say, “That’s right, you little buggers.  Daddy’s home!”

 proof that daddy has a tender side, too!


While for the most part I am okay with the day to day bickering, I am not okay with any form of cruelty.  I am not okay with leaving a kid out, ignoring someone, or intentionally hurting someone’s feelings.  I am especially aware of making sure they treat each other kindly while they are out playing with others.  We’ve explained to our children over and over again that the kids outside our family will treat their siblings the way they see them treating their siblings.  We tell them: If you disrespect, say mean things, or push around your siblings in front of your friends, then that is how your friends will treat your siblings.  They will take their cue from you.   So always be kind to your siblings when you are around other kids.  


For the most part this has sunk into their heads and they treat each other well outside of the home.   But every once in a while a  sibling will come into the house with a sad face or with tears and will tell me that one of their siblings isn’t letting them play with the group, isn’t being nice, or something like that. The one who is being mean gets called into the house right away, and is dealt with. The outside world can be cruel, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that.  But your siblings should always have your back.  No exceptions.

six-year-old Afton comforting two-year-old Alex after a fall at the park ~ 2002



The ones who fight/bicker/argue with each other the most are usually the ones who are closest in age ~  Aria & Andrew.  Andrew & Aislynn.  Aislynn & A.J.   A.J. & Avery. Avery & Alex.  Afton & Audriana.  Audriana & Tony. Rich & Katrina (yes, us too!) ~  but they all can bicker with one another from time to time.  Usually they all bicker over couch space.  Age doesn’t matter when it comes to a prime spot on the couch. Even little Aria will get the boot if she’s sitting in someone else’s spot.  But for the most part she gets to keep the spot, because I’ll eventually walk in and say, “Oh, just be nice and give her the spot.  She’s the baby!”   Yep, she gets away with a lot because she’s the baby.  She’ll still be the baby no matter if she’s three, seven, seventeen or twenty-two.  

That’s just how it is when you are the youngest of nine!
 

 

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Comments

  2. hey there! it was great catching up on all your posts. i love the genie costume, i haven’t seen a costume like that before. i can’t believe out of all your kids you only trick or treated with three! crazy!

    and i still can’t get over andrew, he’s so grown up! he looked just like aria just a few months ago it seems like. now he’s a big boy and very handsome.

    i can’t imagine tanner being old enough to ask me if she can skip 1st period. did you let her?

    i love your explanation of all the kids names. i LOVE AJ from Armageddon too so now i will always think of ben when i read his name :) he’s my celebrity crush. him and zac efron.

    Reply

  3. My three boys are non-stop fighters. It makes me crazy.

    I try to ignore a lot of it.

    My oldest’s kindergarten teacher taught the kids that when someone says “sorry,” you can either say “I accept your apology” or “I do NOT accept your apology” and then that person has to do something to make up for it. Very smart.

    Thanks for your very understanding comment on my blog. xo

    Reply

  4. Awesome! I love the “making it up to them.”

    Alright, I have a question for you know. Back talking. My three year old (only son) has started back talking like crazy. When I’m on my A+ Mom game, it doesn’t bother me too much, I’ll tell him twice, then politely let him know I’m the Mom, he needs to listen, and I’m not going to argue anymore. Then I’ll remind him that he cannot have his rewards (playing outside, with a certain toy, etc.) until the particular chore I’m asking of him is finished. There are other times, he’ll back talk (even after I’ve let him know I’m not arguing anymore and I’m the Mom) until it escalates (no matter how hard I try to defuse the situation) until he’s screaming/tantruming. How have you handled your childrens’ back talking? Any tips, tools, or parenting methods that worked more than others?

    Thanks Katrina!
    Sheyann :)

    Reply

  5. I so enjoyed reading your post, Katrina! I’m amazed by how organized you are in managing such a big family. You and your husband are such a wonderful team in raising your kids. All moms should read about this, whether they come from small or big families! :-)

    Reply

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