The other day I was sorting through a small pile of receipts, throwing some away and setting the important ones aside for filing. It was a completely mundane thing to be doing, yet a particular receipt stopped me in my tracks. It was from The Home Depot for $21.58. One single item was bought: a hinge.
The date on the receipt is what grabbed my attention. It was dated November 9, 2015, which is the day Aaron passed away. Seeing that date in print always makes my heart sink.
The time on the receipt was 11:53am. I thought back to the happenings of that day. I was still in the hospital, admitted as a patient. Aaron was in the NICU. The photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep was scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 4:00pm. And that morning is when Rich held Aaron for a couple of hours. So apparently after his time with Aaron and before 4:00 he went to The Home Depot and bought a hinge.
What the heck? How could he do such a normal thing on a day like that? We knew we were disconnecting Aaron from the machines that evening. Knowing that, why would he be anywhere but at the hospital spending every second with our baby?
An unexpected feeling of anger instantly filled me. I couldn’t believe that Rich actually left the hospital, drove to The Home Depot, and then walked up and down the aisles in search of some have-to-have-it-right-now hinge. What was so broken that it needed to be fixed right then?
This bothered me all day. I tried to push it out of my mind, but I just couldn’t. I finally brought it up later that evening.
“What hinge?” he asked.
“You bought a hinge at Home Depot at 11:53am on the day Aaron died.”
“I did?”
“You did. I found the receipt today.”
“Why would I need a hinge?”
“That’s what I want to know.”
We were quiet.
Then he said, “I don’t know. You know, that was a very weird day. I probably just needed to get out and do something.”
A very weird day, he says. He needed to get out and do something, he says. I wanted to yell, “Of course it was a weird day! Our baby was going to die that day, and you were out buying a hinge? How could you leave the hospital? Why weren’t you using every second of that day to be with him?”
I was able to keep those shaming, guilt-ridden words inside of my head, thankfully, and instead of responding I remembered back to how drugged up I was during that time. My doctors had me on all sorts of medications: two kinds of blood pressures meds, powerful pain killers for my c-section pain, and Xanax and another mood suppressor for anxiety. Yet even with all the drugs numbing my emotions, my heart still hurt. I felt it. I was in agony over the soon-to-be loss of our baby, and I had the benefit of being on some meds. But Rich? He had no medications. He had nothing to numb his pain. He had to go through all of it completely unmedicated and raw. How in the world did he ever manage that without falling apart? I’m not sure I could have done it.
That day had to have been so awful for him. I was laid up in the hospital with dangerously high blood pressure levels, our baby was in the NICU and was scheduled to be taken off life support, and Rich was going back and forth between us, desperate for a way out of this horrific situation. But there was none. So he left the hospital and went into a Home Depot. He bought a hinge in order to fix something in our home, probably some random cabinet door that was broken. I imagine he felt relief to be out doing something that he could actually have some control over.
My anger went away and all that was left was sadness. I looked over at my husband and saw that he was thinking back to that day. His eyes told me that he was reliving it all, just as I was.
“You know, I really can’t remember what I bought that hinge for.” he said, after a minute of being lost in thought. “Why did I buy that hinge? Now this is bugging me.”
I reached over and touched his arm. “Don’t think about it anymore. It doesn’t matter.”
He didn’t really buy a hinge from Home Depot that day. What he bought was a little bit of distraction and a small taste of normalcy. And if $21.58 provided him that, even if just for a moment, then it was worth every penny.
What a beautiful post. I have just been reading your back story of darling little Aaron and I am in bits for you. The photos that you have are just so precious and I am so glad that you got that extra time with him. Sending lots of love your way. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Thank you so much
Katrina, this is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your experience and well done on managing to stem the tide of your anger to acknowledge the pain your husband was dealing with. It is the mark of a strong and healthy relationship in my book! #postsfromtheheart
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, both of you. Your strength and love for each other is so obvious. Sending a huge hug, this must have been difficult to share. xx
#PostsFromTheHeart
Wow. You truly are amazing. I’d have snapped and regretted it but you managed to hold it in long enough to process it. I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you went through that day, the days before and the days after.
#postsfromtheheart
What a beautifully written piece my heart breaks for you all #postsfromtheheart
Sending so much love. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this must me, both at the time and looking back. What I do know though is that I too would have reacted like you did to the buying of a hinge, and my Other Half, like yours would probably have needed to have found something he could control. I guess in our most difficult times we all find our own ways of coping. Thank you so much for sharing this post at #PostsFromTheHeart and reminding us all of the important things in life.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard those days must have been for you all, but your husband in particular. I guess he just needed a few minutes away from reality. #PostsFromTheHeart
Wow. Just wow. I continue to learn from you. How you were able to hold your words….. I promise that I will think of this story the next time I am about to throw some shaming, guilt-ridden words out to my loving husband.
Gah! You just slayed me with this story. I’m so glad you were able to put yourself in his shoes. I totally would have reacted in the exact same way and then eventually come to my senses too. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear little one.
This was really powerful. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad that you have each other for support during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing this meaningful story at the Manic Mondays blog hop.
BEAUTIFUL… Much love to you and your family, now and always!!!
-Valinohio
People process things differently and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that the pain isn’t real and they aren’t hurting. I’m a ‘push through it’ kind of gal and when I ache, I force myself into the routine and go forward. So I can understand the hinge buying. Sometimes it helps to handle an emotionally raw event by doing something absolutely and completely normal… Blessings to you all
Proud of you for being able to step outside yourself (even in memory) and be compassionate to your husband.
This was such a good article, thank you sharing
Thank you for sharing this. My heart breaks for you and your loss.
Wow! A powerful post, and what incite in how a man often deals with things differently than a woman, and I am impressed that you were able to recognize the different ways to cope.
It is wonderful when we can hold back negative thoughts and not inflict them on our loved ones. So sorry that Baby Aaron is not in your arms. Wishing you peace. Thank you for sharing your insightful words.