So here we are at 26 weeks! I am so thankful that Aaron has made it this far in the pregnancy. My strong boy! I’m thinking that he’s going to make it very close to full term. My mama instinct just tells me this. Plus, I have been praying for that. A lot.
As I journey through these weeks leading up to Aaron’s due date, I have my days where my spirits are very high, and I just know that I’ve got this. I can do it. I can welcome my son and say good-bye shortly after, and it’s going to be okay because the Holy Spirit will be with me to comfort me and give me strength. And on these days, I truly feel joy and peace while carrying this sweet boy of mine. Those days are good.
And then there are the days when I’m not so sure I’ve got this, when I think this is too much for a mother to go through, where I bury my head in my pillow and just scream at the unfairness of it all, or I go into the shower, turn the water on, and cradle my baby/belly in my hands and just cry and cry and cry until there’s no more tears left. On those days, it’s hard for me to smile or to be patient with my other children, or to even get dressed and get out of bed. Those days do not happen often, thank goodness. But they happen. I try to talk myself through them, telling myself that Aaron is not gone yet, do not mourn for a loss that hasn’t happened yet. Sometimes telling myself this works to lift me up again. Other times it does not, and I just have to go through the grief and know that tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow is always a better day. I never have two bad days in a row. Instead, I have many good days in a row. For this I am thankful.
I have no pictures of me during my bad days, for obvious reasons. It’s not like I hand the iPhone over to my kids and say, “Here. Snap a quick picture of me crying in the shower, you know, for Aaron’s scrapbook.” Nope, no pictures of the bad days. But I do have plenty of pictures during my good days!
Yep. Good days. Bad days. We all have them, right?
“I have told you all of this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” – Jesus John 16:33
Well, there you have it. Trials and sorrows. Jesus says while we are on this earth, we will have trials and sorrows. He actually says we will have many trials and sorrows. Many.
And why is that? I suppose it’s because this earth is not the paradise that God created at the beginning. In that previous world there was no death, no sickness, no Trisomy 13. But that world no longer exists due to Adam and Eve’s sin. And this was in God’s plan. So the world we all live in now is broken, and we are all broken in one way or another. For my son Aaron, it’s his DNA that is broken. For me, it’s this entire situation that is broken. I should be anticipating a healthy newborn who will live until he is a 92 year old man. I should be planning my home birth, ordering my birth tub, going to all my midwife appointments. There are a lot of “should be’s” with this baby. Things are very different this time. Things are broken. Broken plans. Broken dreams. Broken hearts.
But there is no broken faith. No broken prayers. No broken hope. No broken promises of a life in Heaven. Those things remain unbroken. In fact, they have been made stronger than ever.
I am thankful for all the good days I have had during this pregnancy, and I am praying for many more during the next three months.
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,
give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18