Rich is back home today after having been at work for three days straight. So I had three days to do things on my own around here, and if I do say so myself, I did pretty good. I managed to catch up on all the laundry, and I managed to……. well, I guess looking back, the laundry is pretty much all I accomplished. But I’m taking that as a major.
A strange feeling is going on with me. At times I will feel like I’m back to normal around here. I laugh, I smile, I run kids around to their various activities, I do laundry, I change diapers and wipe butts and all that goes with having little ones. And then I suddenly remember that I just lost a baby less than a week ago…and I’m hit by this terrible guilt that I’m not crying, not curled up in a ball somewhere up in my room. I feel like I’m not honoring the baby or that maybe I didn’t really love that baby, afterall…or maybe I wasn’t attached to him or her like I thought I was. Because if I did, wouldn’t I be grieving all the time? How could I laugh and smile? How can I go back to doing laundry as if this terrible loss didn’t occur?
But what I’m beginning to realize is that I am grieving. Grieving doesn’t just happen all at once. I wish it worked that way, but it doesn’t. I wish that you could go through all your grief, in say, ONE DAY….and then be back to normal. Wouldn’t that be nice? But it’s not like that. It’s a process, and it can be a long process for some. I have no idea how it’s going to be with me. But to grieve is important. You can’t keep too busy that you don’t take time to grieve. A lot of people will throw themselves into their work, keep themselves so busy so as to distract their mind. But what I’m reading (yes, I’m reading – no surprise there!) is that grief will eventually catch up to you. There’s really no hiding from it. If you put it off, then it just hits you later on in life, in other ways.
As busy as I am with all these kids, I do worry that I won’t be able to grieve properly. I worry that I will push the sadness away in order to function. Or avoid the tears so that the kids won’t see me cry. (let’s all be honest: who out there likes for their children to see them crying? I know I don’t. ) But I need to remember to grieve. Doesn’t that sound crazy? To remember to grieve? As if grief doesn’t take care of that by itself? Well, in my case…I need to do that. I am not taking the pain meds anymore (they kept me from feeling sad, and as tempting as they are, I know it’s not healthy emotionally or even physically to be on them just for that) and so I have been feeling the sadness more now. Which is a good thing. I just have to learn not to fight it. I just have to remember not to push it away when it comes. I guess I need to learn to go in a closet and hide if I don’t want the kids to see. Or I need to peel more onions.
Oh, sweet sister.
Altho I have never had a miscarriage, a friend of mine told me after she lost her dad that she believes that God gives those who are grieving a numbness in the beginning so that they can work through all the details required. The grief comes later.
Okay, so odd to tell you not to worry, it will hit later but – it will.
My point is, you’re normal.
Praying for you.
Katrina, I’m so sorry to read of your miscarriage. I will be thinking of you.
I am so sad to hear your news! We all grieve differently/uniquely so don’t be too hard on yourself…God is carrying you His way… unique and special for you! Also sometimes it helps children to see our grief, it says to them…”it is okay to be sad honey, I am sad too but God is with us, He is our strength!” It helps them along their journey of life, for most certainly we cannot take away all pain they must face in this world. (Praise God our darlings in heaven will not face such pain!) This 2 Cor 1 passage has been such a comfort to me through recent grieving: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7 Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. Praying for you and the family, Joy
Hi Trina,
Your last post prompted me to respond. I know exactly what you are feeling about the guilt of not crying. I haven’t lost a baby, but I do have one with a disability. I have done a lot of crying and grieving over the years -but most times I’m going on happily with my life and sometimes I feel guilty for not being sad or crying over Travis’brain injury and seizures. But, like you, I can’t go around crying all the time, but the sadness is always there in the back of my mind -know what I mean? Take care.
peel more onions, let the kids see. i think it will be healthy for them to see you cry. people don’t cry in front of each other because it’s awkward but i think it will be ok to cry in front of them. it will be a great time to talk about the baby and let the kids know how you are feeling. they might be grieving too, they might want to cry and talk but maybe they are holding back too. i know you are busy with your daily mommy responsibilities but i know there isn’t a second in your mind that you are not thinking about your baby.
just last night morgan started crying because she misses her daddy and she said “sorry i’m crying.” i said “don’t be sorry, you can cry as much as you want, i miss him too.”