It’s been six weeks now since the miscarriage. Sometimes I feel like it was sooooo long ago, but six weeks really isn’t that long. I guess I’ve surprised myself by how well I am feeling these past couple weeks. I didn’t expect this. In the first few days and weeks I just *knew* I’d never be fully happy again. I thought I’d have a cloud over my days forever, that I’d feel this loss so deeply that it would always effect my ability to be happy. But it’s not like that at all. I’ve been feeling really, really good.
Physically I have been exercising a lot, which feels great. This week I am doing a detox for the first time, and I will admit the first 3 days of it was not so fun. I felt tired and a bit achey, and had a slight headache (which I knew could happen when the toxins are leaving your body) but now after day 4 and 5 (of a 7 day detox) I am feeling much better. Much better! I am sleeping so soundly. I wake up with a lot of energy. And all day I just feel good. It’s been wonderful.
Emotionally I am doing great, too. I finally have peace in my heart. Sure, there are times when I think about the baby we lost, and it makes me sad. But that’s O.K. I’ve found that you can be sad about something, yet still have peace about it.
I am at peace about what happened for a few reasons. First, I’ve come to accept that losing this baby was completely out of my control. I kept myself healthy – ate the right things, did the right things – just like I did with all my other pregnancies. There was nothing more I could have been doing. Second, I believe God has his reasons. I trust Him with all my heart. He knows I love and cherish all of my children, and he wouldn’t just give me a child and take it away if it wasn’t for a reason. I may not see that reason right now, and I may not understand the “why” in all of it, but that’s not for me to worry about.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
Another thing that brings me peace is that I know that I am the mommy to ten children; nine are here with me on earth, and one is in Heaven. Each one of them has a soul. And all those little souls are connected to me, their mother, and that connection is so strong that even death cannot break it. I will see that little one in Heaven one day. I feel that connection very strongly. And that is a very comforting, peaceful feeling.
What is hard now is that I am running into people that I don’t see or talk to regularly, and the last time they heard from me I was expecting the baby. Ugh! So then I get the comments like, “Wow…you’re so tiny! You aren’t showing much. How far along are you now?” or “You are looking great! How are you feeling?” or “So…how’s the pregnancy going?” So these are awkward moments to get through, much more for the person than for me. I just take a deep breath and say, “Well, I’m not pregnant. We lost the baby at 11 weeks.” and then I wait for the shocked look, the gasp with the hand covering the mouth expression, and then the “Oh…I didn’t know. I’m so sorry…” typically follows, and then I smile and say, “Thank you”. It’s just one of those moments, you know. Awkward, but yet unavoidable. I just wish there was a news flash or something and everyone could just find out at one time and save me from having to say it over and over again.
But anyhoo….this post is just a quick update to let everyone (who was wondering) know that I have been really, really happy lately and in good spirits. I only have moments of sadness here and there, which I think is normal and healthy. I am enjoying my kids and having so much fun with them these past few weeks. I just love being a mommy. It’s the BEST job on earth! I feel so incredibly blessed with all my experiences, the happy ones along with the sad ones. I know they are all a part of me and make me who I am. Although grief isn’t fun, it is still a part of life. Afterall, if we don’t experience grief, then how will we truly know joy? We need to do our best to enjoy life to the fullest, even when we have sadness in our hearts. There is a quote that I love, and I’ll end my post with it because it just sums it all up so perfectly….
“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass,
It’s about dancing in the rain.”
Have a great weekend, friends…and if it’s raining where you are in your life right now, be sure to take some time out to dance! There’s always something worth dancing to.
Oh Trina…I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our very first baby at 11 weeks also, although my circumstances were a little different than yours. I admire your courage and your outlook regarding God having his reasons. That same faith and type of thinking is what got me through that first miscarriage, and the second one I had a few years back. I may only have 3 children here on earth, but I am most definitely a mother of five. Wishing you continued peace
Blessings!
Ohhhhh that’s beautiful!
I have never experienced the loss of a child but know many who have. My heart aches alongside you all but not really knowing that pain completely.
I am so glad the Lord has healed your heart and I know that many can share experiences and ways the Lord has done the healing but truly it is very personal to each one. ONly by the Lord can anyting be healed and made whole again….
Be blessed sweet sister and continue to dance in the rain
Chris xo
So happy to hear that you are doing better, you just needed some time to grieve. The first stages of grief are always the hardest and then as time goes on the pain does subside. Trusting in the Lord is the only way to find peace when we suffer a loss, I love that Proverb. I would like to hear more about your detox as well, please share, I’m totally up for starting the day full of energy!
Blessings
It sounds like we are very similar in how we have handled our miscarriages. Knowing that I have two “Glory Babies” waiting for me in Heaven, is such a blessing. It hurt so much at the time, but how can I look at the six that I have and not be grateful. They are happy and healthy.
It was also so awkward when people would find out. I would immediately try to put them at ease by saying, “It’s OK, you didn’t know.” They are so afraid that they have caused you pain. The questions are inevitable, and so is the pain along with them. It isn’t exactly happy news.
I just wanted you to know that I completely identified with your post. Every bit of it.
Thank you also for your sweet comment on my blog. I find it a joy to know you as well, and thank the Lord that we can follow each other’s lives, trials and triumphs via blogland. What a blessing Blogging can be.
I will continue to pray for healing of your mind and body. Tell me, what kind of things are you detoxing your body from? Sugar, caffeine? Just curious. I may be in need of a good purging myself 😉