They All Call Me Mom

no more babies?

So I’m going to tell you a little secret.  I’ve been pregnant five times since having Aria, my last baby,  who is now 3 and a half years old.  Obviously since I have no new babies this means I’ve had five miscarriages. The first two I’ve written about, but the last three I’ve kept to myself because I did not want to mention a new pregnancy until I passed that 12-week mark.  And they never got that far.
Here’s my track record:

  • first miscarriage – lost June 8, 2010 @ 11 weeks
  • second miscarriage – lost March 8, 2011 @ 10 weeks
  • third was a positive pregnancy test… but then a week later it was gone.
  • fourth was a positive pregnancy test…followed up with blood work confirming the pregnancy, but then I lost it in that second week.

 

And the fifth one just happened. I got a positive pregnancy test on New Year’s Day 2012.  The blood work looked good. I even had a follow-up blood work taken to see if it was progressing, and all look good. I even went on progesterone supplements to ensure my progesterone levels.  But then I lost it in the 7th week (this past Friday)
Okay, can I be honest here?
This pisses me off, big time!  I obviously have no problem conceiving.  But since I’ve turned the big 4-0  I have not been able to hang on to a pregnancy.  What is the deal with that?  I’ll tell you what the deal with that is:  I’m getting OLD.  Yep, I must have old, defective eggs. I hate that my stupid age and my old eggs are preventing me from doing what I love the most.  Yes, having babies and being the mother of young children is what I love doing the most.  There, I admit it.  So shoot me, but it’s the darn truth.  This time in my life is my absolute favorite time and I cannot even imagine what it will be like without a baby on my hip or little ones running around this house.
This makes me angry.  It really does.  Maybe even more angry than sad this time around.  Rich and I would love to have another child.  But we are getting OLD.  Blahhhhh.  I don’t like it, I don’t like it, I don’t like it.  Not one bit.
This post is just for my venting purposes.  I don’t want or need advice or opinions or any nasty remarks.  Don’t tell me that this is God trying to tell me something; I don’t think God puts babies in my womb and takes them away just to say, “There! That’ll show you!” The God I know and worship isn’t cruel like that. Don’t tell me that I should just be thankful for all the children that I have been given;  I am thankful for all of my children and know that I’m extremely blessed to have so many.  But because they make us so happy, and because they are blessings, of course it’s only natural that our hearts would love more. I would love more children.  It’s not a bad thing to want children,   so don’t make this into something bad or wrong.  There is nothing in my heart that is bad or wrong when it comes to children.
 
Defensive much?  You bet.  Because believe me I get all kinds of comments.
 
My heart wants more babies, but my body has other ideas.  And I guess that’s just going to have to be okay with me at some point.  But I haven’t reached that point yet.  Right now it still pisses me off.    The way I see it, 42 is still “young” — I have  friends right now who are pregnant at ages 42 and 43.   In my eyes, they are young and I am young.  But it’s really not all that young in reproductive age.  In fact, anything after age 35 is considered “elderly” in reproductive age.  Ugh, I hate that I’m elderly already…when in fact I still feel so darn young!
 
Anyway, so that’s what’s been going on with me this month.  I apologize for the bad words in this post. Yes, I consider “piss” a bad word.   And before you ask — I have NO idea what we are going to do next. Try again?  Maybe.  Or maybe not.  I just don’t know.  Part of me looks forward to losing weight, getting my body back, not having to think about any other body except my own body, and getting back into some cute “skinny clothes”.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  I guess it would be nice. 
 
But then there’s another part of me…
 
that would like 
 
maybe 
 
just 
one 
more.

Comments

  1. So sorry to hear about your loss Katrina. I’ve been there. I am exactly the same age as you and had my 8th baby in 2006. We started trying for another one in 2008 and I had 4 heartbreaking miscarriages in 2 years. My midwife then advised me to take a 75 mg of aspirin a day as it greatly reduces your chances of miscarriage. If you become pregnant you should take it for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. I also started to take a supplement called DHEA (available at health food stores) which not only increases the chances of getting pregnant but decreases the chances of miscarriage. Anyway I got pregnant again at the end of 2010 and now have a beautiful 5 month old baby girl! I just thought I would share my story with you as I have been through exactly the same experience and I want you to know that you are not too old. My friend who is 43 is currently 5 months pregnant. She went to a Chinese herbalist and had to take herbs which tasted disgusting and stank the house out but boy did they work! It may take a little longer for us “more mature” ladies but it can still happen so don’t give up! You are not wrong for wanting another baby, I’m sure that a year down the line I’ll be wanting number 10! I wish you the best of luck and lots of love x

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  2. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t have kids yet but I hope someday. What about taking clomid if you want one more. It’s not invasive. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you. This must be really difficult.

    Reply

    • Thank you, although I don’t think clomid is what I need. Clomid speeds up ovulation for women who have a hard time getting pregnant due to lack of eggs, or due to not ovulating, right? Since I get pregnant often, that doesn’t seem to be my issue. I just think that some of my eggs are not healthy due to age, and there’s nothing that can be done about that. Ah well.

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  3. I’m so sorry. Big hugs to you. Don’t despair…you’re still young enough that it may yet happen.
    -Halyn

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  4. I’m so sorry for your losses. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, your age, how many children you already have – loss is loss. I can’t imagine working through everything as you have. Sometimes you have to go through anger to get to the peace & healing.

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  5. I’m so sorry for your losses. I too can fall pregnant if my husband looks sideways at me :)

    but we have had to do ivf to have our four youngest children due to a sperm motility issue with him. We have nine children {six are mine and the other three are my step-children}.My heart and soul has yearned for ‘one final baby’ since my twins were about 1. Knowing how long ivf takes I started looking into another cycle, having bloodwork, scans, appointments, developing cysts delaying treatment… all in all seven months went by. My heart yearning more & more. We told no-one. Because ALL our family & friends are quite vocal about how “mad” we are with the family we have. But the heart rules the head at times doesn’t it?

    my cycle ended badly, all five of our frozen embryos {the same batch that our twins came from} died during their defrost process. I got the call not to bother coming in for the appointment because there was ‘no point’. I grieved for months.

    The door has closed on my reproductive years and I hate it. My husband does not understand why I feel so annoyed about it. He is sweet to me but not unhappy we will have no more children. It’s a sad time, especially as you look around at your lovely, busy, loud, hectic life and feel like you are not finished. I understand completely.

    I hope you find some peace knowing there are others of us out here that feel similarly, even though our circumstances are not identical :)

    Reply

    • Thank you, Susan. And I’m sorry about the loss of your 5 embryos. I, too, would be crushed by that news. And angry.
      Thank you for understanding my emotions. It feels nice to be understood :)

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  8. I am sorry for your pain and the very real losses you have experienced.

    I did have a baby at 40 – surprise for me! I have very difficult pregnancies and I was already battling a chronic illness so another baby wasn’t in my plans but it was in God’s…and I’m so thankful that it was. My little guy (now almost 10) was the most difficult of all my children (I have four – and when I say more difficult I mean exponentially!) But he is also a delight and he has brought so much joy to our whole family.

    I will say that, being that you are someone who loves little ones, no matter how many you have, you will eventually get to that point where you grieve for these times that are passing. And I understand that. I still get jealous when I hear about young mothers nursing their babies. I LOVED nursing and I hate that I will never have that experience again. I still get jealous when I hear of young mothers pregnant again because I LOVE babies and even though I don’t REALLY want another baby…I miss those precious times. It’s a part of life…and it can hurt like hell!

    As for your friends having babies at 42 or 43…that’s rare without help. It does happen…my maternal grandmother had 11 children including children she had at ages 42 and 44! And she certainly didn’t have any fertility treatments! But that is certainly rare.

    In any case, I just feel so sorry for your losses. I can’t imagine going through five miscarriages in a row. And yes, you may count your blessings, but it doesn’t change the grief for the little ones you wanted and won’t have. And no, it’s not that it was “God’s will.” People so misinterpret the whole issue of God’s will. He does teach us through difficult times, but that doesn’t mean he “wills” tragedy. One Scripture verse that speaks to this, for me, is when Joseph tells his brothers, who sold him into slavery: “What you meant for evil, God meant for good.” So when bad things happen it’s not that it was in God’s will or that he even brought the event about, but he can take bad things and use them for good.

    I hope your heart heals over time. Blessings.

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    • Thank you so much for your comment. I know that no matter what, even if we do have another baby, in a few years’ time I still be right back to where I am right now, wanting another….and it might not be so much wanting another, but just not wanting this stage in life to end. I understand what you are saying about that :)

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  13. I am so sorry! My body doesn’t want to hold a baby either. After my second, I have been unable to carry a baby and it breaks my heart. Tomorrow I am going to a dr. appt to try and get help of maybe, possibly be able to have least 1 more.

    Many times it’s just not fair when it comes to this!!! Why are there women that are blessed with babies and end it when all I want is a baby and would love and care for that little one. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense.

    You are an amazing mom, an amazing person and I really admire you. My heart hurts for you. I am sorry for your losses. I will pray for you and Rich.

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  14. Well, Trina, you know how I feel about all this stuff. I am so, so sorry for your losses. You and I are similar in so many ways. both have lots of kids, want lots of kids, and still yearn for more. We know we are blessed, but still hope and seek to be blessed with yet another baby. We lost our little twins back in October. In all, I have had 8 live births, and lost 6 wee ones. 1 ectopic, 2 miscarriages, 1 loss of a twin and gave birth to the brother, and then our little twins. Aside from the ectopic, all of these losses have been in my late 30s, or just after turning 40. I do think it has something to do with age.
    Hang in there…it can get rough when others comment. Even my own husband, mother, friends, etc. think it is foolish for me to try and get/be pregnant again. They think it is too risky, for me and the baby. Maybe they are right. Yet, we have of course, remained open to what the Lord wants for our family. We will never change that. So, this is a secret right now, but no one I know in real life read this blog, so I will say, I am 6 weeks right now, and just praying for the best. It’s funny because you have been on my mind ever since I found out. I was wondering if you might turn up pregnant, and I wish things were different. You have many little saints in heaven. I have learned through my losses that that is a different kind of blessing. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.
    Love and blessings, Megan

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  16. I would join in your link up, but all I seem to be doing lately is pouring my heart out on my blog, so I am not really sure it would count.

    I do want to say however that loosing a child doesn’t come easier because of the kids that you already have, I sometimes feel like it makes it harder. You know how much love you have to give and that it seems so strange to not be able to do that again.

    I have has three losses. It never got any easier, it actually got harder. I would never tell you to suck it up, be grateful, or any of those other things. It hurts.

    I tried to tell myself that there is a reson for everything, and that I just didn’t know what that reason was yet. Some days it helped, others it made me mad. Oh, and my aunt started her family in her 40’s.

    I will say a prayer for you that you have a sticky baby. Don’t give up hope. There is always hope, you just have to find it.

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  17. oh how my heart breaks for you. i lost a baby at 20 weeks and thought I would not make it. My baby girl is 6 and every single month i wonder why we are not pregnant again. I have nothing but positive things to say, really, i do not have anything to say. Except I am sorry and I HATE this for you

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  18. I miscarried at 13 weeks and was totally devastated. I never knew that a miscarriage could be so painful! That was 10 years ago. Wow! Has it been that long, because sometimes the pains still feels so fresh?

    I understand your yearning. I hope that it is fulfilled…either with peace or another baby.

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  19. Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I feel your pain. We’ve tried for 3 years to have another baby – I have three beautiful children, but wanted one more. I actually have had three miscarriages myself. The last one was awful!!! So, I totally understand! Hugs to you and thanks for sharing!

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  20. I am so right there with you. “My heart wants more.” We have three and because of finances and other reasons, we’ve decided to put number four on hold indefinitely. My indefinitely ends this year b/c I genuinely cannot imagine not having a fourth. It hurts to imagine not having one more (or two, hell, if I’m being fully honest). And screw people with their comments about having so many. It’s your body, your life, your family, your amount of love, time, patience, whatever. TELL THEM TO KISS YOUR ASS (I’m sorry, I had a moment).

    I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so many losses. I’ve only had one miscarriage and it was devastating. So to experience it repeatedly…I wish I could hug you.

    Reply

    • You are so sweet, thank you.
      And I like the “moment” you just had….LOL….you made me laugh with that one.
      Good luck with your “one more” — or two!

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  21. I’m so sorry…
    I want to say thank you so much for this from the bottom of my heart. I’m 36 now, we have two kids and want more. People act like this is a crime. Just today I was wondering if having more children now would be ok or if I just wait…this is what I need it to hear. If I wait maybe I won’t be able to when I want to…Thank you again.

    Reply

    • Don’t wait! If you know you want another, start NOW. You just never know if you’ll have a hard time conceiving, which will push back the months or years…or if you have a loss, that pushes it back, too. Just my humble opinion :)

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  22. Oh Trini…
    As my little man kicks in my belly and tears in my eyes, I feel and pray for you and Rich. Feel Gods arms around you as your father.
    Season

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  23. Oh Im so sorry you are going through this. We only have two children, and while I am thankful for them and love them more than life–I long for another baby. Just one more. But its completely out of the question. No one should judge you for wanting to add to your family. Especially if you have the love to give, which it definitely sounds like you do!!

    Reply

    • I do have the love to give, no doubt about that. What people think (and sometimes say) is that I should be “getting the hint” after all the losses and should stop. And maybe they are right, but even my OB says that eventually I should get a “healthy” egg and will have another baby. She just says it’s a matter of how many times I’m willing to go through this to get that one healthy egg.

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  25. I am so sorry to hear of the miscarriages and can not imagine how difficult having 4 would be. I had one miscarriage before having my child and it is still something I think about daily, even 3 years later. Praying for you to have peace in whatever decision you make about more children.

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  27. Miscarriages are horrible things. I’ve only been unlucky enough to have one so far (at 7 weeks too actually) and hopefully never again… although the sad fact is, it seems to be very common and the fact that it’s so early on in the pregnancy, no matter what ‘other’ people may think, doesn’t make it any less upsetting. i hope you get your ‘just one more’ :-)

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  29. Oh lovely friend…..this was not the news I was hoping for. I believe there is “just one more”. I know I sound like a broken record, but of all the friends I know who are in their forties and have gotten pregnant….they had a go of it with a string of miscarriages before one stuck. I did too. It does suck that this is a sign of aging…it really bites the big one. Your frustration is palpable and brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. If you hang in there, I will cheer you on every step of the way. If you don’t, I completely understand and will cheer you on in this as well. No condemnation here…just a prayer that your deepest desire is fulfilled.

    Love,
    Thea

    Reply

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