We were expecting another baby, due date October 5, 2011. I am at the 10 week point tomorrow. But, the ultrasound yesterday showed that baby has no heartbeat, and in fact had passed away at about the 7 week mark. Poor little one. Again, I am left wondering just who that little one was? A boy or a girl?
We purposely didn’t tell anyone about this new baby. Since we lost the last one at 11 weeks, we thought it best to wait with this one until we passed the first trimester and had seen the baby on an ultrasound. The only people who knew were me, Rich, and Audriana. And the only reason Audriana knew was because her cycles are on the same schedule as mine (you know how women in the family tend to synchronize their cycles) and so when she asked me if I had gotton mine that month, and I kept saying, “No, not yet….” she was on to me! LOL So I had to tell her. But we told no one else, wanting to surprised the other kids and family and friends with the news once the “risky” stage was behind us. Sadly, we never got passed that stage.
This time around, I’m not as devastated. I have peace about it already. It’s very strange, but I’m oddly comforted by the fact that our other baby now has a sibling there in Heaven with him/her. Not only that, but I think I’m just better prepared. I’ve been through it before. I got choked up and shed a few tears, of course…seeing the image on the ultrasound screen. But it just wasn’t the same as last time. I prepared my heart early on in this pregnancy. I didn’t let myself get my hopes up too much. I knew it was the 50/50 chance that this one would make it. Whenever Rich would say something like, “Next Halloween we will have a new baby to dress up!” I would give him a half-smile and say, “Hmmm. We’ll see….” because I just didn’t want to let myself go there. I remembered the loss from before, how deeply I felt it. And I just wanted to keep myself distant, this time. Just in case.
I sort of feel guilty about that now. I feel a little bad that I didn’t celebrate this one as much as I probably should have. I feel that I didn’t give myself the chance to bond with this baby. I just wanted to protect myself from being hurt again. It seems like I succeeded in that, because I honestly only shed a few tears. Maybe it will hit me later? I guess I will find out.
I had pretty much the same symptoms as last time; a little bit of spotting, and the sudden disappearance of morning sickness. Plus, for being almost 10 weeks along, I was very tiny. It just felt wrong to me. My HCG levels were taken at the very being of the pregnancy, and they went up with the second blood draw, but didn’t double like they should have. So at the very beginning I was sort of doubting this pregnancy — but then week after week passed, and I felt the typical morning sickness, so I thought that it might go well, after all. But still, I was very guarded with my hopes. I honestly did not “see” us having a new baby in October. It all seemed very unreal to me.
Anyway, that’s the scoop. I was hoping to surprise everyone with a HAPPY post in announcing our new little one’s impending arrival. But, it’s not to be.
I am SO GLAD that we didn’t tell anyone! And here’s the reason why. When everyone knows you are expecting – neighbors, friends, people at church, the parents on your kids’ sports teams, etc – and then you lose the baby in a miscarriage, your family and close friends are told of your sad news, but not all the others. And then as the weeks pass you run into them when you are out and about, and they say, “Hey! How are you? How are you feeling? How far along are you now?” and things like that, and then you have to explain to them that you are no longer pregnant, and then they feel bad for asking, and then you feel bad that they feel bad, and you know what? It’s just a big PAIN all the way around. But now, this way….it’s all in my control who I share this news with. I don’t have to tell everyone who knows me that we lost the baby, because they didn’t even know we were expecting one. So that is just so much better on me. Much!
We did tell the kids. We told them yesterday, when I got home from the ultrasound. We felt they should know 1) why they might see me sad, and 2) why I might need a little extra rest during the next week, and 3) that they have another sibling in Heaven. We thought about not telling them at all, but that just did not feel right. Not even slightly. So we told them. And they all understood and took it very well. The only one who shed a tear was Alex, of course. My sensitive one. The rest just asked me if I was okay, and gave me a hug. I heard someone whine, “Awww….but I want a new baby.” in a disappointed voice. That might have been Avery or Aislynn, or perhaps A.J. I’m not sure who said it. But they were all very supportive and sympathetic and just a little bit sad, all at the same time. For about 5 minutes. And then they went back to their crazy chaotic business and everything just picked up where we left off, just as if we hit the “pause” button and a “We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for this very important announcement.” message went on, then the message was given, and there was a pause for words of comfort and reflection, and then the “play” button was hit again, and everything went back to normal. Seriously, it was like that. I love that about this family